chaoticessentia

I am starting to suspect that most people do not really want to build a second brain. They want a storage room that makes them feel intellectual.

i used to think that taking notes meant saving something.

i don’t remember when i stopped editing my photos and videos. it was not a grand decision. there was no particular day where i opened an editing app, stared at the screen, and dramatically decided that from now on i would live more honestly. life rarely changes in a cinematic way like that. it happened slowly. at first, i was just too lazy to raise the contrast. then too lazy to crop. then too lazy to choose a filter. then too lazy to fix the skin tone, the sky, the light, the horizon line, or any small thing that was considered distracting. over time, i realized it was not just laziness. i was beginning to lose the desire to rescue an image from itself. and maybe, at some point, i was also beginning to lose the desire to rescue my life from its original shape. i used to be a ui/ux designer. even now, my work still revolves around design. i know how to make something look more correct. i know how visuals are made cleaner, more modern, more expensive, more trus...

Aku menulis ini karena belakangan aku cukup sering melihat orang memakai AI, lalu kecewa sendiri karena hasilnya tidak sesuai harapan.

that night, i only wanted to understand why my small model felt so stupid. not stupid in a funny way. not even stupid in a way i could fully forgive just because it was small and running with a short breath on a local machine. more precisely, it was stupid in a polite way.

i watched the brutalist again for a stupid reason. a reels about the film passed through my facebook feed, and because i had nothing better to do

i once spent far too much time trying to make one simple thing: a photo of me playing guitar left-handed.

rhea once told me something strange. she said dunning-kruger did not always have to be hated. sometimes, it could be used. sometimes, that excessive confidence, though raw and dangerous, carried an energy that wisdom no longer had.

I always know what I want. That is the easy part. What I never truly understand is why I want it.