conclusion

today is the deadline i gave to myself.

i've been depressed for years. when i wrote ig story in new years, i thought i had finally reached the lowest point of my life. i had lost my faith in people, god, and even my own intuition. i thought those were my conclusions, but they weren't. nothing really changed between january to april. i was still depressed, i still had no purpose, and i still blamed myself for almost everything that happened. i kept replaying the same memories over and over again, hoping that one day they would stop hurting. they never did.

that's why i chose today as my deadline. i know myself. i always take an absurd amount of time before making any essential decision. maybe that's my greatest strength, maybe that's my greatest weakness, i honestly don't know. i just can't make an essential decision until i've questioned everything i possibly can. i wanted to make sure this wasn't just anger, disappointment, or another temporary emotion. i wanted to know what would still remain after enough time had passed.

and a lot remained.

during these last three months, i forced myself to change. not because i became happier, and not because i finally forgave myself. i still can't forgive myself for what happened, but i'm okay now. i finally accepted that i can't spend the rest of my life staring at something that can never be undone.

the change wasn't dramatic. there was no sudden realization, no moment where everything clicked. it was slower than that. it was waking up every day and choosing not to drown in the same thoughts that kept me awake the night before. it was learning to sit with discomfort instead of running from it. it was accepting that some feelings don't need to be fixed, they just need to be felt. i started paying attention to the small things again. they weren't about happiness. they were just real. the weight of my own body walking. the sound of rain that had nothing to do with me. i wasn't healing. i was just getting better at surviving.

i also understand my intuition much better now. i don't hate it anymore. following my intuition is beautiful. it gives my life meaning, but it also keeps dragging me toward unnecessary risks, convincing me that the hardest path must always be the right one, even when my common sense is screaming at me to walk away.
now i finally know that intuition has its place, just not when it comes to essential decisions. i won't ignore my common sense ever again.

my intuition wasn't completely wrong, though. some people really are awful. for a long time i blamed myself because it was easier than accepting that not every wound came from my own decisions. i kept looking for another answer because i refused to believe this could be my conclusion.

the truth is, some people will hurt you without ever realizing it. and some people will hurt you knowing exactly what they're doing. both versions are real. both versions leave the same scars. for the longest time i convinced myself that if i just understood why they did it, the pain would make sense. it never did. some actions don't have reasons deep enough to justify them. some people simply don't care about the damage they leave behind. accepting that was the hardest part, because it meant there was nothing left to solve.

i kept searching for another answer because i refused to believe this could be my conclusion.

it wasn't. until today.

i finally have my answer. the answer i've been looking for all this time, even if it's not the one i wanted. that's why i'm okay now. because i'm done wasting my time searching for an answer that i already have.

today is the end of that deadline, and this is my conclusion.

i can finally identify myself as a misanthrope. not because i hate every individual, but because i've lost my faith in humanity as a whole. it's not anger anymore. it's not bitterness. it's a quiet understanding that expecting the best from people has only ever cost me more than it gave me. i still believe in individuals. i still care about specific people. but the idea that most people are fundamentally good, that empathy is widespread, that kindness is the default, i can't hold onto that anymore. it's too heavy, and it was never real to begin with.

i gave myself enough time to prove myself wrong, but i couldn't.

this is the most honest conclusion i can write.

— rayhan alighieri